Looking for an end in sight...

I've been living life holding my breath. I'm waiting to know when it's OK to let it go. For 3 months now I have watched one of my best friends become an example of the economy. The loss of a spouse's job, the stress of looking for a new one. The end of severance looming ahead. Will we stay? Will we have to move? Which way's up? Which way's down? It is heartbreaking to have someone you love for so much go through such pain and struggle. Some days the uncertainty and changes ahead just become too much.

Usually I love Springtime in Georgia. Usually I love to watch as the Bradford Pear trees show signs of blooming. It's a sure sign that Spring is right around the corner. This year I watched those trees with such disdain. There they were- those stupid trees just about to burst, so excited for the change ahead. Here I was dreading the change ahead. Why is it that no matter how much forewarning you're given change is never easy. Sure enough the blossoms all burst and look so beautiful and cheery-- the last thing I was feeling. Now they hae faded to green and all the branches are filling in. They undergo a quick change and then blend in and become part of the tree. It reminds me of how no matter the change, how fast it comes, how slow it drags on that we do all blend, assimilate, change and become part of our new surroundings. It's the waiting that sucks. It's like we're still those trees in the dead of winter-- just waiting, not sure when the weather will warm up, just waiting and waiting, knowing the change is coming, but no control over when it will happen. I was envious of those trees, excited for the change, blooming into something beautiful and then becoming whole again.

So as I continue to wait for my moment to exhale I pray--a little for me, but mostly for my friend. She is someone of faith and I watch even the most faithful find difficulty in letting go. We're riding this roller coaster together and we have laughed and cried (mostly cried). We look for strength, we look for meaning in all of it, but mostly we just look for an end in sight! My hope is that by the time the azeleas are in bloom I will revel in and enjoy their beautiful changes. So bring on the changes, let us see the path that is not yet clear and when all is said and done may we bloom and grow beyond what we thought imaginable!

Continuation of Katrina: Moving On

We arrived in Georgia on Saturday evening and we remained glued to the TV for the rest of the week. We all watched as the city we loved seemed to fall apart before our eyes.
It was almost surreal that this was really happening. We would beg for the TV cameras who were filming from the helicopters going around town to fly a little further to the left or right in hopes of seeing what our homes looked like. It was a helpless feeling. Cell phones weren't working so we were very limited in our communication with family and friends who were spread out across the southeast. Like I said, it didn't feel real. It was hard to believe that it was really happening to us.
Michael obviously accepted the job in Georgia. What else were we supposed to do? Someone has to have a job to go to. I was working at Commander's Palace Restaurant. I sure wasn't going to be planning any events anytime in the future. The city was in complete turmoil.
I can't even count the number of nights I cried myself to sleep. It was all so heartbreaking. One day we had one life and the next day we had another. We knew there was a possibility of us leaving New Orleans anyway, but not like this. There were no goodbyes, no going away celebrations, no "last time" here or there. It was like having a band aid ripped off.
I still have an email that I wrote to a friend right after the storm and I talked about how it's the normalcy that I missed. It was the comforts of home and the simple stuff. I could drive to work with my eyes closed because I knew the city so well. I had my favorite grocery store. I loved my job. Not to mention my family and friends. I know that may sound stupid, but when you are completely starting over it's the silliest things you miss.
I have to stop myself and say-- I am incredibly blessed. I did not lose my home in the storm. I know too many friends and loved ones who lost everything and they have an even more heartbreaking story than mine. We all have a story. No matter what the loss in material items we are all still scared by the whole thing.
It was the loss of a city that we loved. Sure it will go on and the city will recover, but it will never be the same. We could no longer avoid the topic of "the" storm or all the questions of "what if the levees fail?" We knew the answers now. Everyone's worst fears were realized.
We were able to sell our home and move on with our life in Georgia. Again, we were very blessed.
I can remember feeling such anger in the weeks and months after the storm. I would walk through a store in Georgia and I would look at people going on with their normal lives and I would think, "The audacity of these people to just carry on like nothing is wrong!" I envied their normalcy, that they could carry on with their everyday occurrences.
I went back to NOLA twice before we finally moved. I have never experienced anything so eeriy. The first time I flew in I was in awe. We drove straight home and it took me a day and a half to leave the house. The short drive to the house and all I saw was enough to scare me. It was like a bomb had hit. No leaves on trees, huge branches missing from trees, sunlight where there had always been shade. No birds, no animals. Sounds of helicopters, hammers, chain saws. No gas stations open. I went to the grocery store and only 2 aisles had food. There was no music on in the grocery. You don't realize how strange it is to have a silent store.
I finally felt brave enough to go to my own house. I cried the whole way there. As I drove I could barely look straight because I was surveying the damage to the left and right. It felt so raw and invasive. Everyone's stuff was on the lawn and curb-- tables, chairs, desks, dressers, toys, appliances, you name it and it was out there. It was so strange to see items so personal displayed for everyone to see.
For those of you who have dealt with hurricanes you know what it's like to return after you've left. Your home is in complete disarray. Everything is moved around. What can be lifted off the floor is raised. Pictures and mirrors are off the wall so not to become flying debris is a window should break, it's just a mess. I walked around our house, our first house, the house we had our first baby in, the house that was filled with all of our comforts. Of course more tears followed.
Again, I can't say enough how lucky we were. This is just my story. It's my version to save and remember and pass on to my kiddos. It's a part of who I am.
The hardest part for Michael and I was watching our parents suffer through all they went through in the year following the storm. They are going to be upset if they read this but -it aged them. It wore them out. It was physically, emotionally mentally and financially draining. They had to fight with insurance companies, get quotes and claims and contractors and subcontractors along with thousands of other people battling the same thing. It's a level of stress that can completely wear a person down.
As hard as the storm was on all of our parents one of the worst parts was having us leave. William is their first grandbaby. At the time he was the only one living in the same city as them and he was their light! It broke our hearts to take that away from them. (It still does.) As wonderful parents do, they encouraged us to begin a new life and live in a city that could offer us things New Orleans couldn't.
I could write forever about this because there are so many parts of the story, but I wanted to finish up what I started.
I just want to be sure that it is clear that my loss in the storm is minute in comparison to so many people. This is not meant to be a pity party is merely one version of one part of the whole event. What if, when you left work today you never went back? What if the house you left today wasn't there when you came home? What if your life as you know it today no longer existed tomorrow?

3rd Anniversary

PART 1
The 25th of August is my 3rd Anniversary of being in Georgia. I'm an Atlantan by way of New Orleans. For those of you who know me you know this story. We all have our own story.
A little over 3 years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine that I vividly remember. We stood outside of my house in the heat of a New Orleans summer and talked about living in Louisiana. I told her, "I just don't know if it's enough." Michael and I were born and raised in New Orleans- actually in Metairie and Kenner. All of our familes are there. We left for college, but came back. When you are raised in New Orleans you don't leave. If you leave, you come back. Every holiday is spent with every family member possible. A little claustophobic, yes - comforting and charmingly predictable, definitely!
We graduated from college, got jobs, got married and had our first child. We quickly realized that in New Orleans we would always struggle to achieve the life we wanted. Our jobs would not be able to take us to the next level that we strived for. Hence, the conversation by the car. It was becoming difficult to ignore.
A little over a month later Michael came home and said that Coke was restructuring and his position was being eliminated in the local office and moved to Atlanta. Basically, he could find a new job or apply for a position in Atlanta. In an instant it was- are you kidding? Leave all our family, everything we know? We just had the first grandchild, how can we take him away from his grandparents? How could be leave?
We were so torn. Our feelings would flip flop on a daily basis. There were times when we were excited and then times that I could hardly sleep because I was sick to my stomach. Did I jinx myself by talking about this? I asked for this! How could I do something so stupid. I don't want to leave.
Well, you know how you pray and ask for a sign? Ours came in the form of a natural disaster...

PART 2
After of few months of job hunting and not a single prospect Michael proceeded with the interview process at Coke. A huge comfort to us was that other families were going through this same process. A few of our other friends at Coke were facing the same big move. This made it a little less scarry.
On Friday, August 24th Michael got his job offer to move to Atlanta. That night we took William who was 15th months old to his first Saints game. It was a preseason game and our best friends had gotten last minute tickets. We got home and watched the news and saw the hurricane heading straight for us. I called my Dad who was at a family wedding and he blew me off. We had just had a false alarm a few weeks back so he told me he'd call me in the morning. I knew that waiting until the morning was too late.
Let me back up by saying that the year before I swore up and down that it would be the last hurricane season I could handle. I swore that we would move across the lake in hopes of avoiding the mass exodus and fear of flooding. Everytime there was a threat of a storm this year I would call and get a hotel room in Baton Rouge before the storm even got close. This one came so fast that it was too late.
Since neither one of our familes were concerned we were on our own and figured out that we had 2 options- 1) go to Houston and try to stay with my college roommate, but risk taking the same route and the rest of New Orleans or 2) go to Atlanta to stay with my step-sister, check out our possible future hometown and go opposite of the rest of New Orleans.

We chose Atlanta and we're here 3 years later...

TO BE CONTINUED...

What We Say

We've all been told that once you say something you can't take it back. It's a hard lesson to learn, but we've all been there. As a senior in high school I told a friend who had decided to sleep with her boyfriend that it made her a lessor friend-- idiot! In college I once told Michael all the things I wish he would do differently, but at least I drew it on a little heart piece of paper-- nice move! As a kid someone made me fall off a set of bleachers and I broke my wrist, but I lied and told my parents I tripped and fell-- there goes their trust.
Our words and what we say and how we say it is such a delicate balance. When to speak up and when to suck it up and keep it to ourselves is a question we will ask ourselves all our life. I am always amazed by the power of our words-- how fast we can raise someone up and how quickly we can bring someone down.
Recently, I have been a recipient of words someone may wish to take back. I've also been the lucky recipient of words that have warmed my heart. My husband has learned the frustration of waiting too long to say something because he just couldn't come up with the right words and then the time passed and it's too late.

I went to an all girls, Catholic high school. I have been involved in more female drama than I care to remember. I think I've actully blocked some of it out. I recently had someone who I thought was a friend use words towards me that nearly knocked my socks off. I was so proud of myself- I stood my ground and held firm and kept it clean! She has never apologized to me and I often think of how in just a few words she did so much damage.

I am a Realtor and I recently had someone who is a mentor to me take blow to her career. She has always had warm words and much wisdon for me and I have tried my hardest to impart the same kindness to her these past couple of months. How easy it is to use our honest, heartfelt words to lift somone who needs it so much. Why don't we do it more often?

So why do we wait? We don't know what to say, we can't find the right words? I bought a card for someone we knew who was very sick. I pestered my husband to write in the card so I could mail it. He drug his feet because he just couldn't come up with the "right" thing. I don't think there are words that are perfect, but it's just that you thought of them. Why not the simple truth-- I'm thinking of you, I'm praying for you, You touched me in my life, You made a difference? Mental note-- don't hold back next time!

I offended a dear friend and had no idea. She kindly told me recently and while I don't think I would say anything different I feel blessed that we were able to open our lines of communication. I hope that after we spoke we learned that sometimes what someone says and what we hear are 2 totally different things.

As women, we LOVE to talk. I could talk all day and night. The older I get the more I want to listen. I want to ask the questions and then listen. The ones I love the most are the ones I long to learn inside and out. I can listen and learn and appreciate who they are and how they became the ones I love.

MIA

I know I have been quite a slacker lately. Life has been a bit hectic and I hope to share soon. I make tons of mental notes, but when I have time to write it isn't flowing our quite right! I hope to catch up soon! Until then...

Thursday's Foodie Fun

Amuse-Bouche
Ok, are you ready for a bit of a snobby term?The term amuse-bouche is used often in fine dining for a small treat from the chef.
Here's what Food Lover's says:[ah-mewz-boosh] French derivitive for appetizer, typically referring to a small one or two bite portion to tickle tastebuds.

The National News as seen by a 4 year old

First of all let me start by saying that I would prefer if my 4 year old never saw the national news however the other morning it was unavoidable.
Almost every morning before I jump in the shower I put on PBS in case my little guy wakes up and come into our room. Earlier this week I forgot to turn the TV on and when he came in he turned it on himself. Unfortunately, it was on the national news. I was in the shower and trying to finish as fast as I could to keep him from seeing something he isn't ready to see-- which is almost everything! So here is our conversation while I'm in the shower and he's watching the news. (Thankfully he only caught the 5 minute recap of today's news):

W: Mommy, there was this car with wires and stuff and then it BLEW UP just like fireworks! (He loves fireworks so this was very exciting to him.)

M: Wow buddy. I'm trying to hurry so I can turn on Clifford for you.
(I think he just saw a car bomb- lovely! Hurry, hurry conditioner. Get out of my hair!)

W: Mommy, today in Dallas there's a storm. In Dallas there's going to be fog and a rain storm.
(Thank goodness we're onto a safe subject!)

W:Mommy, there's a baseball man who won a big giant trophy.
M: That's because he won the Home Run Derby. (So glad I paid attention to ESPN last night.)

So in my 4 year old's mind the news is about fireworks, weather and trophies. I wish it was that simple.